Shattered... but Abiding
Wednesday: Just a regular team meeting, or so I thought. Suddenly my heart tightened as Ana told me they had already sold everything and would be leaving in less than a week.
My closest friend in Pemba, the one who always understands how I'm feeling, who has always been there for me whenever I needed someone. Her son Theo, my favourite little boy to play with, who calls me "auntie". Her husband, Jhonatan who changed my flat tire when I got stuck and protected me from creepy guys. Leaving. On Tuesday.
I had been trying to process the news of their decision to leave for family reasons back home. But thought I had more time to spend together before saying goodbye.
I tried to hold it together during the team meeting, but during prayer time I couldn't do it. Here I am, responsible for the remaining team members who are still new and adjusting to life in Pemba and all I could do was weep.
After everyone else left I went to my room and cried out to God. I can't do this. I can't. I'm done. I can't handle the responsibilities and say goodbye to Ana this week. I can't.
Heartfelt, fervent crying out to God to take this and carry it for me. To hold me. To be my strength.
Thursday: I asked a friend if I could call her. I wanted someone I could process through this with. This friend, this wise, older woman, is someone I look up to, greatly respect, and love dearly.
I've already sought her wisdom and listening ear for other things this year.
When she answered the phone I could tell she was not okay. She broke the news to me: she just found out she has stage 4 cancer.
I went into shock. I had no words to say. What do you say. At the end of the phone call I told her I would be praying for her, ask others to pray for her, and I'm here for her if she ever needs someone to talk to. Please join me in praying for her as she faces the journey before her.
Friday, I woke up to two messages: the new family on the team had posted on our group that the husband had been really sick during the night and was at the hospital taking tests. Found out he has typhoid fever, worse than I had it. And my mom sent an email about a family member, who has been sick, who is now in hospice.
I thought the messages would rip me open again, inflicting more pain to an already wounded heart. But I felt God take it for me. The whole day I felt Him carrying me, carrying the weight of everything.
This week it's like God took every possible thing that I could have leaned on and removed it to show me He's enough. To teach me how to Abide in Him, and though a difficult lesson to learn, it has been sweet yesterday and today Abiding in Him. To sit and soak up His presence, in the quiet stillness or even while doing other activities like visiting neighbors.
Above and below are lyrics to some of the songs I've been listening to the past few days.
Music expresses emotions that are often impossible to put into words.
My closest friend in Pemba, the one who always understands how I'm feeling, who has always been there for me whenever I needed someone. Her son Theo, my favourite little boy to play with, who calls me "auntie". Her husband, Jhonatan who changed my flat tire when I got stuck and protected me from creepy guys. Leaving. On Tuesday.
I had been trying to process the news of their decision to leave for family reasons back home. But thought I had more time to spend together before saying goodbye.
I tried to hold it together during the team meeting, but during prayer time I couldn't do it. Here I am, responsible for the remaining team members who are still new and adjusting to life in Pemba and all I could do was weep.
After everyone else left I went to my room and cried out to God. I can't do this. I can't. I'm done. I can't handle the responsibilities and say goodbye to Ana this week. I can't.
Heartfelt, fervent crying out to God to take this and carry it for me. To hold me. To be my strength.
"Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on...
Just Be Held ~ Casting Crowns
Thursday: I asked a friend if I could call her. I wanted someone I could process through this with. This friend, this wise, older woman, is someone I look up to, greatly respect, and love dearly.
I've already sought her wisdom and listening ear for other things this year.
When she answered the phone I could tell she was not okay. She broke the news to me: she just found out she has stage 4 cancer.
I went into shock. I had no words to say. What do you say. At the end of the phone call I told her I would be praying for her, ask others to pray for her, and I'm here for her if she ever needs someone to talk to. Please join me in praying for her as she faces the journey before her.
After the phone call, I broke down sobbing, again.
God, You are all I have right now.
I have nothing left.
Even when the fight seems lost
I'll praise you
Even when it hurts like hell
I'll praise you
Even when it makes no sense to sing
Louder then I'll sing your praise"
Friday, I woke up to two messages: the new family on the team had posted on our group that the husband had been really sick during the night and was at the hospital taking tests. Found out he has typhoid fever, worse than I had it. And my mom sent an email about a family member, who has been sick, who is now in hospice.
I thought the messages would rip me open again, inflicting more pain to an already wounded heart. But I felt God take it for me. The whole day I felt Him carrying me, carrying the weight of everything.
This week it's like God took every possible thing that I could have leaned on and removed it to show me He's enough. To teach me how to Abide in Him, and though a difficult lesson to learn, it has been sweet yesterday and today Abiding in Him. To sit and soak up His presence, in the quiet stillness or even while doing other activities like visiting neighbors.
Above and below are lyrics to some of the songs I've been listening to the past few days.
Music expresses emotions that are often impossible to put into words.
"How many times have you heard me cry out
"God please take this"?
How many times have you given me strength to
Just keep breathing?
Oh I need you
God, I need you now."
Need You Now ~ Plumb
---
"Jesus, hold me now
I need to feel You in this place
To know You're by my side
And hear Your voice tonight
Jesus, hold me now
I long for Your embrace
I'm beat and broken down
I can't find my way out
Jesus, hold me now"
~ Casting Crowns
---
"And I'll praise you in this storm
And I will lift my hands
That you are who you are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm"
~ Casting Crowns
---
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
---
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18
---
"I am the vine; you are the branches. Whoever abides in me and I in him, he it is that bears much fruit, for apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5
---
"When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears
and delivers them out of all their troubles.
The Lord is near to the brokenhearted
and saves the crushed in spirit." Psalm 34:17-18
Rachel, my heart is interceding for you. I will be more fervent in remembering your weight on your shoulders and in your heart.
ReplyDeleteA few songs that are most precious to me are: "Life is hard, but God is good." and "He's Been Faithful to Me"
Pam Thum -
Artist: Pam Thum
https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-itm-001&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=itm&p=Pam+Thum+Life+is+HArd#id=1&vid=e99a7d810c102419636f15c3285239e4&action=click
Album: Miscellaneous
Life Is Hard (God Is Good) Lyrics
You turn the key then close the door behind you
Drop your bags on the floor
You reach for the light but there's darkness deep inside
And you can't take it anymore
'Cause sometimes living takes the life out of you
And sometimes living is all you can do
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Life is hard, but God is good
You start to cry 'cause you've been strong for so long
And that's not how you feel
You try to pray but there's nothing left to say
So you just quietly kneel
In the silence of all that you face
God will give You His mercy and grace
Jesus never said it was an easy road to travel
He only said that you would never be alone
So when your last thread of hope
Begins to come unraveled
Don't give up, He walks beside you
On this journey home and He knows
Life is hard, the world is cold
We're barely young and then we're old
But every falling tear is always understood
Life is hard, oh life is hard but God is good
The other is: "He's Been Faithful~ Brooklyn Tabernacle Singers/Damaris Carbaugh
ReplyDeleteIn my moments of fear
Through every pain every tear
There's a God whose been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone
In my moments of fear
Through every pain and every tear
There's a God whose been faithful to me
When my strength was all gone
And When my heart it had no song
Still He was faithful to me
Every word He promised, is true
Oh yes it is
And What I thought was impossible
I see my God do
Chorus:
He's been faithful, faithful to me (He's been faithful)
Looking back Your love and mercy I see (mercy I see)
In my heart I question You're there and I fail to believe
But You've been faithful (faithful), (faithful) faithful to me
When my heart looked away
The many times I could not pray
Still In love, He proved faithful to me (faithful)
The days I spent so selfishly reaching out for what pleased me
Still in love, You proved faithful to me
Every time, every, every, every every time
That I go bow to Him, don't you know He's waiting with open arms
And I see once again
Chorus
He's been faithful, faithful to me (He's been faithful)
Oh Looking back Your love and mercy Your love and Your mercy I see (mercy I see)
Your love and mercy, I see
Many times in my life Lord I question You're there and I fail to believe
But You've been faithful (faithful), (faithful) faithful
(Faithful) to me (faithful)
(Great is thy faithfulness, great is thy faithfulness morning by morning)
Morning by morning
(New blessings I see)
He's been faithful, (faithful) (faithful to me) faithful to me (he's been faithful)
Just looking back Your love and mercy I see (I see)
Love and your mercy I see
Many times in my life Lord I question You're there and I fail to believe
But Thank God You've been (faithful) faithful
You've been (faithful) faithful
Even when friends may turn their back and all the while You promised me
That You would always stay
You, You've been (faithful) faithful, You've been faithful (faithful)
In the darkest night when everything's gone wrong Your faithfulness gave me a song
Lord You've been (faithful) faithful, (faithful) faithful to me
(Great is thy faithfulness)
Great is thy faithfulness
(Great is thy faithfulness)
Ohhhhh Lord
Thy faithfulness to me
https://video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search?fr=yhs-itm-001&hsimp=yhs-001&hspart=itm&p=damaris+carbaugh+he+is+faithful&guccounter=1#id=1&vid=39b74ee8289e0668dd7938faf3b29237&action=click
Love, Mrs. Arbogast
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