My First Love

What was wrong with me? Why was I feeling this way? I lay awake in bed, eyes open, but seeing nothing because of the blackness of the night around me. "Something's wrong," I muttered. The next day I messaged my friend.

"K-tee, I feel like something is wrong, or missing in my life... 😕 I feel weird, in a mood. Last night I almost wondered if there's something between me and God, or just lacking in my walk with Him..."

Where was the evidence for this? What proof did I have to back up this feeling? Didn't I do my devotions every day? Hadn't I been praying? Wasn't I seeking to live in obedience to Him by leaving Mozambique and preparing to move to Detroit? The biggest evidence showed in my support raising, or rather, recent lack thereof.

At first, I blamed this recent lack of effort in support raising on the jetlag from my trip to Mozambique. A seven-hour time difference, two days of travel, little sleep, and a jump from summer to winter is challenging on the mind and body. Then, as the days passed and I still had no desire to jump back into support raising, I argued that the jetlag was taking longer to wear off because I had been sick my last week in Mozambique. I needed longer to recover. 

I tried to get back into support raising, really I did. I made a few phone calls, wrote a couple of thank-you cards, sent several Facebook messages, and replied to a handful of emails. But it felt forced, like going through the motions. That's when I realized something was wrong. I wanted to get to Detroit, get back into full-time ministry, but I didn't want to do what was needed to get there.

The night after I sent K-tee the message I sat on the end of my bed, staring into space, knowing I would be unable to fall asleep for the many thoughts swirling in my head. Then my eyes focused on my special notebook tucked on the shelf in front of me. The one I would use for "Jesus dates." Only, I hadn't touched it in a long time. I pulled it out and started leafing through it. One entry, from August 2018, stood out in particular: "I've called out to You this week in regards to my struggle in support raising. I was woken up to the fact that the strength of my public support raising is directly affected by my spiritual vibrancy/health."

As I continued leafing through the notebook, I noticed the love for God written on the pages. The pouring out of my heart to Him. Entry after entry.

May 30, 2016: "Lord, please let me run as hard and as fast towards You as I can... Draw me deeper into You and Your word. Increase my love for You, more and more."

28 August 2017: "My heart is full. Oh, the joy of knowing You and being in Your presence, of knowing I am walking with you. Knowing I am satisfied and content in You."

4 December 2019: "Father, I have felt You carrying me, sustaining me. I have felt Your presence. Known You are here with me... How precious to experience this Lord."

That's what was missing. My love for God had waned. Oh sure, I was still committed to Him and seeking to live for Him, but what good is that without love? 

Married couples go through similar circumstances. The flame of love from the "Honeymoon Phase" fades away under the monotony of daily life. If they don't go on dates or do something to keep their marriage fresh their first love might fade to nothing. Or so I've observed and been told. While I desire to experience marriage for myself one day, my focus in writing this is my relationship with God. 

Maybe you have seen the ring I always wear on my right hand. My parents let me pick it out when I turned 16 as a purity ring, but it means so much more to me than that. I chose this particular design because of the cross in the center of the heart, a reminder that Jesus is to be at the center of my heart and life. And now, because of my reflections from this week, it becomes a reminder not to lose my first love.

I picked up the phrase "Jesus date" from my roommate in college. She used it to describe those special times spent with God separate from regular, daily devotions. A time focused on Him, away from distractions or time limits, with an open Bible, a notebook, worship songs, maybe fasting, maybe listening to a sermon, maybe remembering what God has previously done, open honest conversation with the Lord of the universe. My last official "Jesus date" entry in my notebook was October 2021. I don't know when or why I stopped, but I'm thankful God pointed this out to me. May He continuously rekindle my love for Him.