Wisps of Smoke

Like wisps of smoke curling through the cracks of a room, the thoughts crept in. I miss my family. Am I making a difference among the Mwani people? What if I moved back to the U.S.?

A few days passed and the thoughts thickened and clouded my mind as if the wisps of smoke had merged and dimmed the lights. I should call K-tee, I thought Wednesday evening. She would understand and empathize with me. Instead I listened to a meaningless audiobook to escape reality.

When I went to young adult Bible study on Thursday, usually the highlight of my week, the worship songs almost choked in my throat because of the thoughts swirling thick around me. Do you want to be led where trust is without borders? Wherever God would call you? You've been through a lot. You deserve it easy for a while.

I hate showing vulnerability in a crowd, and while I love everyone in the group I couldn't bring myself to open up to them. I pretended I was fine and kept singing, but concern rose in my heart. A sense of apathy almost smothered the concern until one thought prevailed: These songs are true about God whether I feel like it or not. His character is unchanging. I will sing the words because they're true, independent of how I feel. I sang on, without any change in feelings.

When I woke up the next morning, though, the swirling thoughts seemed to have thinned out, letting in more light. I talked to K-tee that evening, rejoicing that I felt in a better place. Then this morning a quote blew open a door and whisked the remaining wisps of thoughts away.

"So many [Psalms] begin with a sigh and end with a song. But in life, you can't take in the song without letting out the sigh."

Dr. David Jeremiah in his book Shelter in God, talking about Psalm 13.

All week I had been sighing out my doubts, questions, and weariness to God. Like the psalmist asking "How long, O Lord? ... How long will You hide Your face from me? How long must I take counsel in my soul?" On Thursday God reminded me of His unchanging character. He turned my sigh into a song. The sigh had been honest and genuine before God. Yet He gave me a nudge of warning not to get stuck in the sigh; its purpose is to make room for the song.

I know the wisps of smoke are remnants of the fire that raged last year. I'm thankful the thoughts are not the flames of before, yet they can still do damage if I'm not careful. I'm thankful for friends like K-tee who are there for me when I need them. I'm thankful for the young adult Bible study group. I'm thankful for my parents who called me Wednesday just to say hi before work. Most importantly I'm thankful that God is faithful and unchanging in the midst of life's ups and downs, a solid anchor to cling to.