Breaking Point

Last Saturday

Holding the dead puppy in my hands released all the emotions that had been building up for two and a half weeks and it all came crashing down on me:

I had not slept well since the cyclone and I was exhausted.

Stress and mental trauma from the cyclone and the ensuing flooding.

A wet house because of leaks. The bathroom walls started to mold.

Confrontation with a worker who was making his 11 year old niece do all his physical work that I was paying him to do.

Then, no water in my house. My cistern was completely dry.

To name just a few of the problems and stressors I was facing.

And now my dog had puppies and one of them was already dead.

I started crying.

I fled to my bedroom, hugged my knees tightly, and just wept, repeating over and over what I hadn't been able to admit for two and a half weeks: "I'm not okay, I'm not okay."

I knew I needed to talk to someone.

I tried calling my leaders wife. No answer.

I tried calling my teammate, Ana. No answer.

I messaged another missionary in town. No answer

I tried calling my mom. No answer.

I messaged a mentor in South Africa. No answer.

I called my dad. He answered!

Once I finally found my voice, everything spilled out, and miraculously he listened! (my dad who is not a great listener, especially to emotional things).

Ana had been trying to tell me I needed a break. She could tell I was exhausted, that I wasn't okay, but I wouldn't listen. No, I was fine, it would be okay, I would get over it, it would be fine.

I was practically ordered by my dad and Ana to go to a hotel to escape the problems of my house and be able to relax and sleep.

I still didn't want to, but I knew I needed to do something. 

I didn't realize until the second day at the hotel just how bad I had been. I had taxed my mind to the limit and I had reached a breaking point mentally, physically, and emotionally.

One thing I discovered, quite happily. Spiritually I was okay! God had been with me through it all.

Now I am back in my house, with water in the cistern, and am feeling recovered but still taking it easy as my mind is still fragile and I had a chance to talk to a counselor yesterday.